The Alpha Male versus the Omega Man
[Excerpted from Jorge N. Ferrer’s Love and Freedom: Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory (Rowman & Littlefield, 2021)]
It is likely that the ongoing evolution of gender and intimate relationships will gradually transform not only human sexuality but also sexual identity. I leave the task of discussing such changes in the female gender to discerning women attuned to the spirit of the times, as well as for the relevant transgender people in the case of non-binary gender identities. Here I focus on exploring one possible shift in male sexual identity: the movement from the traditional Alpha Male to what I name the Omega Man—not to be confused with the so-called Omega Male, often described as a kind, a sweet man lacking self-esteem, initiative, or ability. In contrast, as I conceive it, the Omega Man is a confident, creative, and sexually potent person who is often successful professionally or finds himself in leadership positions, even if he tends to stay behind the scenes and not emphasize his own talents or accomplishments.
Before proceeding, a few caveats. The following descriptions of the Alpha Male and the Omega Man are prototypical or archetypal. In other words, in order to clearly differentiate these sexual identity roles, the following account is blatantly essentializing and will not, therefore, capture the lived reality of most modern Western males. As should be obvious, “to be Alpha” or “to be Omega” is not an either/or affair: whereas some men are very Alpha and others very Omega, most contemporary men are hybrids who combine Alpha and Omega qualities in various degrees and fashions.
In addition, my account is deliberately polarizing and polemical. Perhaps due to my own personal dispositions, I tend to cast the Omega Man in a far more favourable light than the Alpha Male; however, there may be situations where Alpha qualities might be useful, for example, the ability to make a noncooperative decision in a critical situation calling for immediate action, or even taking certain romantic or sexual initiatives. Thus, although I believe that many Alpha sexual attitudes and behaviours are obsolete, not constructive, and should be thus overcome, the following controversy should not be read as an absolute critique of the Alpha or an unconditional vindication of the Omega. In contrast, as alluded before, my sense is that many integrated men (both present and future) might well be shaped by a selective blend of Alpha and Omega qualities, as well as enjoy the ability and freedom to flow between such modes of masculinity depending on what is most appropriate in each situation.
Finally, it is important to stress that I write as not only a white, middle-class, cisgender, and mostly heterosexual male but also a self-identified Omega Man with some Alpha qualities (e.g., I tend to be the “life of the party,” can be self-centred at times, and my ego still inflates a bit from social recognition). Also, unless otherwise stated, the following account seeks to reflect traditional heterosexual relationships between cisgender men and women. In any event, it should be obvious that my particular sexual identity and social location bias this essay, and that a more complete or balanced picture of these sexual identities should incorporate other perspectives. For example, embracing Omega qualities may not only look quite different for other ethnic and social groups but also be far more challenging to enact in social contexts that stigmatize Omega traits as effeminate, weak, or not belonging to “real” men. That said, I trust that this somewhat playful polemic raises awareness of these two male sexual roles, as well as contributes to the ongoing transformation of both male sexual identity and gender relations.
• Alpha Males instinctively seek to conquer females and dominate males in the context of power-over relationships. Omega Men foster the cultivation of harmonious relationships with and among males and females in the context of mutually empowering relationships.
• In social interactions, Alpha Males are like the Sun: their dazzling brightness eclipses the light of all other stars in the sky. Omega Men are like the Moon: their subtle glow allows the beauty of all other observable stars to be appreciated.
• Alpha Males build their confidence through ranking highly in social/sexual hierarchies and seeking constant approval. Omega Men are confident men who neither accept social/sexual hierarchies nor need social recognition to bolster their egos.
• Alpha Males are usually unapologetic and believe themselves to be always right. Omega Men sincerely apologize when they “screw up” and gracefully express gratitude when shown to be wrong.
• Regardless of sexual orientation, Alpha Males display conventional “masculine” traits in their social self-presentation; however, the “suave” Alpha Male (prevalent in New Age circles) is a gentle and even “feminine” man who uses these qualities to perpetuate Alpha supremacy. Omega Men often combine “masculine” and “feminine” qualities and can easily be socially scanned as gay, even when they are heterosexually inclined.
• If self-identified as heterosexual, Alpha Males tend to be homophobic, speaking and acting in ways that do not leave any room for questioning their sexual orientation (regardless of their inner desires). Omega Men are often “queer straight men” who appreciate all sexual orientations; they can also be openly bisexual, homosexual, metrosexual, omnisexual, or pansexual.
• Alpha Males treat women as their possession: no other man should approach “their” mates with a sexual or romantic interest and less without their explicit permission—with this attitude being displayed at times even toward ex-partners. Omega Men treat women as autonomous agents with the right and power to act freely without having to be accountable to their sexual mates or romantic partners.
• Alpha Males are strongly driven to have progeny (ideally sons) to socially prove their virility, propagate their genetic seed, and continue their patriarchal family legacy. They usually do not get too involved in raising children (except to inculcate Alpha traits) and can easily leave their mates to procreate with other women. Omega Men may want to have children but are not normally compelled to do so, as they understand that there are many ways to materialize their primary creative energy. If they become parents, they consciously choose to do so to foster the constructive evolution of humanity, fully supporting the individuation of their children beyond their own belief systems.
• Alpha Males use their own well-being as a primary reference for the success of intimate relationships: if they are not enjoying a relationship or do not feel it is (egotistically) beneficial for them, they walk away. New Age Alpha Males insidiously disguise this modus operandi through (pseudo)spiritual tenets such as “living your truth” or “following your bliss.” Omega Men are able to make decisions based on the well-being of a wider ecosystem of relationships that includes their partners and larger community; they understand how living one’s truth entails the negotiations and compromises that inevitably arise when relating to other whole persons whose truths may be different.
• If self-identified as monogamous, Alpha Males tend to display mate-guarding behavior, feeling uncomfortable about their partners’ male friendships (especially if the friend is new or attractive) and jealous of their partners’ general interactions with other men, who are often perceived as potential competitors. If Alpha Males cheat, they often feel entitled to do so (because they are “real” men, after all) as they shamelessly apply the typical patriarchal double standard that simultaneously forbids the same behavior in women. Monogamous Omega Men support their partners’ interactions, friendships, and affective connections with other men. They do not usually have sex with other women, out of either their commitment to sexual exclusivity or the understanding that they would naturally have to tell their partners and accept that they too could then have sex with other men.
• If self-identified as polyamorous, Alpha Males (mis-)use poly rhetoric to build a harem of women whose intimate contact with other males they monitor and control—a phenomenon that Sheff (2006) aptly called poly-hegemonic masculinity. Polyamorous Omega Men fully respect the autonomy and freedom of their mates, not just tolerating but supporting and even celebrating women’s loving and sexual connections with others.
Alpha Males approach sexual encounters as conquests aimed at boosting their confidence, providing self-centered pleasure, and sexually “hooking” females; their perception that they can and do sexually please women is thus essential, and they tend to fall into depression if their sexual power or talents are questioned. Omega Men approach sexual interactions as creative encounters with the Other and the mystery of Eros as it spontaneously flows through and between sexual partners; if a sexual relationship does not fully work out, they are genuinely open to receive constructive feedback and understand that sexual chemistry does not need to spark with everybody.
• Alpha Males are sexually potent men whose force tends to dominate, subjugate, control, or even violate women’s psychological and energetic boundaries. This tendency eventually creates or reinforces women’s impulse toward the energetic “castration” of men (i.e., blocking the full reception of their instinctive energy), as well as inner blocks and conflicts in women who are minimally emancipated from patriarchy and thus feel uneasy submitting to men’s self-centered desires. Omega Men are sexually potent men whose force offers a respectful and assuring presence that allows women to fearlessly “surrender” to sexual pleasure without risk of physical or psychological harm, as well as to open to and fully receive (nonaggressive or degrading) strong male energy without fears or conflicts.
• Alpha Males tend to connect with their inner animal’s instinctive sexuality in rampant and often unconscious ways, which often leads to the (gross or subtle) tendencies to harass or dominate women described above. Omega Men, even if honoring the “possession” codes of the instinctive world, tend to display a sexuality free of aggression (unless playful or mutually agreed upon), in a context of love and respect for their partners, and normally accompanied by the presence of the heart and consciousness (except in possible intentional explorations of purely Dionysian [i.e., unrestrained] sexuality).
• Alpha Males have a phallus (as a symbol of virility and patriarchal power over others). Omega Men have penises (as an organ of fertility and pleasurably shared power).
• For Alpha Males, erection is imperative and the lack of phallic arousal during sex is automatically translated as a “failure.” Omega Men fully trust their bodies, appreciating the many passionate and tender forms of connection that can emerge with both an erect and a languid penis.
• Alpha Males display a genitally centred sexuality where penetration and orgasm are essential elements. Omega Men enjoy full-body sexuality that can take many different forms and is usually free from orgasm compulsion.
• Alpha Males typically self-identify as having a large phallus and do not miss any opportunity to boast about their endowment. Omega Men have penises of miscellaneous sizes and understand that, except in some rare and extreme cases (penises too small or too large to be practical for penetrative sex), size does not really matter.
• Put succinctly, if somewhat crudely, Alpha Males are fuckers, while Omega Men are lovers (which does not mean that Omega Men cannot provide a “good fuck”).
Although this appendix is the most acerbic part of this book, I mean no disrespect to men who identify themselves as Alpha Males, as that is the main male social identity valued in the dominant Western culture. It is my hope that this book—and this hopefully somewhat humorous appendix— will help support the creation of an updated male identity more appropriate for the twenty-first century. That said, I firmly believe there are things that need to be said with certain force (always valued by Alpha Males) and, above all, without ever losing the sense of humour, both in relation to the subject matter and to ourselves.
[Excerpted from Jorge N. Ferrer’s Love and Freedom: Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory (Rowman & Littlefield, 2021)]
